So This is What It Feels Like!

Ever since I was old enough to understand, I have wondered what the feeling was that missionaries always talked about when they came home.  I have wondered why it was so hard for them to leave and why even though they really wanted to come home, it was a bitter-sweet experience.  Well, now I understand.

Some missionaries don't have this feeling.  Some of them can hardly wait for the time to go home to come.  We have seen a few of them here.  They are "trunky" from the day they come 'til the day they leave.  They make it hard for themselves and for everyone else.  We try to help them get over it but they just don't get it.  They don't seem to understand that if you love the people and throw yourself into the work, it goes by too fast and then you are in this stage that Ken refers to as the "long slow death".

We are excited to be coming home to our fabulous, amazing family but, like the little graphic on the Branch President's wall here, our hearts are torn.  We desparately want to go home to our family but our hearts are torn and bleeding.  We have come to love the people here so much.  We have seen the mysterious workings of the Lord in so many ways.  We have been a part of conversion and healing.  We have loved and laughed and cried with many.  We want to go home but a part of us wants to stay.

I hate to leave our investigators that didn't quite get to the font.  We love them and have great hopes for them in the future.  One husband and wife want to come to Salt Lake to be baptized.  It is a long and complicated story that has led him especially to believe that when he comes to SLC, he will have come home.  We are hoping that he may come to realize that he needs the help of the Holy Ghost before he can collect enough money to come.  I worry about that though I have no doubt that he is sincere in his very real desire.  I worry about our converts.  Will they stay strong enough?  Will they get the support they need?   I guess that now, I have to be like Heavenly Father and trust that the hands we leave all of them in will be strong yet tender enough to do what is right for them.

I have intermittent crying jags as does Ken.  Something will remind us of someone and the water works go on.  We had Stake Conference today and we said good bye to all those people in Christchurch that we have some to love.  Pres. Kezerian spoke and told us good bye.  I cried.  Michael was conferred the Melchizedek PH.  I cried.   Many people said their good byes to us.  I cried.  This next and last week will be harder than I ever imagined because this experience has been better than I ever imagined.

I won't quit crying for a few days and yes, John you will be able to trace me on your airlines tracker by the vapor trail I leave behind but I wouldn't have it any other way.  It has been so hard but so worth it!  This is what it feels like.  If you don't like to experience feelings, don't do this and certainly don't put your heart in it.