For the Love of It

For many years now, I have thought of myself as being pretty good at loving people.  I think that has come about partly because of my basic nature but also partly because of the tests God has seen fit to send into my life.  We all get tests.  Many we don't enjoy but they force our growth.  My growth came in learning to love that which at outward appearance would seem difficult to love. 

When we were told that we had 2 deaf children and then lost our third child in 10 days time, I didn't want to even live let alone view this test as a vehicle for love and growth.  Looking back on those days is still somewhat painful but only from this point of view can I see what really came about because I was forced to confront something that I otherwise would not have done.  From the point of view of age and experience, I can see the love that Heavenly Father had for me when he gave me that test all in one big chunk instead of 3 smaller ones.  A friend of mine once told me, "You can only hurt so much."  I think Heavenly Father knew that and so gave me that trial all at once in a sense to help me have to "survive" it only once.  I didn't understand it at all until I had Micah and discovered I went through that pain and mourning for something lost all over again in a time when I was better prepared for it. 

I have learned to hold dear those experiences of those days because they were part of making me what I am now.  They brought me to the place where I saw that there was much more to life than the superficial things we cling so tightly to.  They brought me to a place where I learned to love the less than perfect Dale's and Theresa's, Rob's and Tony's, all the less than perfect people that so enriched my life.  My journey in the deaf community taught me to see and love people as they really are, as Heavenly Father sees them.  My time at the Transient Services Office taught me the same.  Some of these people made their own pain in a sense, some of them did not but they are all God's children and my brothers and sisters.  I have never really had any prejudices or pre-conceived ideas about people in general but if I had, they would have been swept away but the love that washed over me while working with all of these, God's children.

Coming here to New Zealand has been another of those experiences.  I have never met so many people that I felt I had known before.  It happens again and again almost everywhere I go here.  Usually the people I meet and "know" are not the well to do types but the simple, tender and sensitive spirits that I find everywhere I turn.  They have multiple problems, racial problems, family problems, problems with abuse in all it's forms, normal everyday frustrating problems.  It has taken me in most cases almost no time at all to learn to love them.  I hate what I see all about them but it isn't hard to love them, my brothers and sisters.  My capacity to love has grown by leaps and bounds.  I have found a whole new family here.  They don't look like me or talk like me.   They don't in some cases even think like me but I love them still.  They frustrate and confuse me.  They baffle and confound me.  They teach me and I am a willing student.  The Spirit helps to fill my cup and often it runs right over.

This joyful feeling!

Today as I sat in church, thinking about the people I have learned to love here, I got the most lovely feeling.  Lovely is a word used often here in New Zealand.  I have become quite attached to it because it is perfect for explaining how I feel right now.  I gave a talk on "Preparing for Ordinances" and it reminded me of some great experiences but standing there, looking out on that little band in this "wee small" church made my heart swell.  I could see the little couple from the last post who I am getting closer to every day.  They already fit into this congregation like a glove and they aren't even baptized yet.  I could see the young single mum with her little brood.  Three of them will be getting baptized on the 6th of April.  The other two are too young but their time will  come and the decisions of these last few days will change their lives forever.  I couldn't see the father who fought for his son.  He and that son are in difficult circumstances right now but my heart was with them in their struggle to strengthen themselves through the church.  I didn't see the little family who were baptized in October and who moved to another town where they are active in the church but I remembered the trip north with them last Sunday to receive her patriarchal blessing.  It was a wonderful trip and one I hope to make a few more times before we leave this place.

What if I had said no to this experience.  What if I had "chosen" the place I wanted to go rather than let the Lord choose for me.  What if I had decided that I really didn't want to go on a mission because I deserved some rest and I wanted to enjoy my grandchildren. What if, what if, what if.  I hope my sweet little Ashy who cried for grandpa and grandma the other day will someday understand that I gave up a little time with her which is precious and dear, to perhaps give eternity to some other wonderful people whom I have grown to love as my own.  Her tears have not gone unnoticed and I do miss her so very much but the tears of others have taken my heart and made it more tender as well. 

I hope that all my family will somehow come to understand that grandpa and grandma did a very hard thing in leaving them to bring about a couple of things of great importance.  One of those things is to bring the gospel to a few people who I know were chosen for us to meet.  God gives his love to each of us individually and often through other people.  The other thing is to set a precident and heritage for our family.  We want our family to know that missionary "sacrifices" bring about great joy in the long run.  I have never had these particular feelings before in my life.  I want all of my family to participate in the feeling you get when you see the "light" very literally turned on in someone else' eyes and life.  It is like no other feeling in the world and when you feel it, you want it more.

This joyful feeling is the one that has driven prophets and apostles and missionaries throughout the history of the gospel to want to share it again and again and again.  It is the knowledge that another one of your brothers and sisters has been given the opportunity to go home again, clean and unspotted by the world to live in the presence of Heavenly Father and all of the brotherhood that exists there.  There is no feeling quite like it.  It is a change of heart that makes you less of a selfish soul and more in tune with the spirit.  It is the feeling that quiets you, calms you and makes you whole.  This truly is a joyful feeling and it is worth the pursuit.